Life’s Unanswered Questions . . . Answered.

1. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?I think we all know what a whack is, if something is out of whack its not whacked as often or never whacked at all. 2. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? No, contrary to popular belief pigs are very eloquent and merely grunt to amuse humans. So if it loses its voice it would act normally around humans. 3. Why do women wear evening gowns to go out at night? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns? Most women simply go out later than they are supposed to, if they took less time getting ready the evening gown would be an appropriate name. 4. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Because you picked the wrong guy. 5. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread. Doesn’t it suck when croutons get wet? That’s why they are in an airtight or “waterproof” package. 6. When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say? Cheese can’t talk, and if it could why wouldn’t it be able to say cheese? 7. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? This is blatantly wrong, most NASCAR racers are in fact racists. 8. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? A man is always respected, a guy is just some jackass at the bar. 9. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Overlook implies that you are looking and not finding, if you oversee clearly you have seen what you are looking for an can now look at it. 10. If horrific is akin to horrible, why isn’t terrific akin to terrible? Maybe terrific is just an ironic way of saying good. 11. Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one? Did you say onety one when you read that? Don’t you sound like idiot? That’s why. 12. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”? The Romans that actually used Roman numerals didn’t have IVs so it was never a problem, they were too busy having orgy’s to worry about health. 13. Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? Trust me you would touch a star if you could. 14. Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? When they were handing out names the guy with these got lost on the yet to be named parkway. 15. Why are there locks on the door of stores that are open 24/7 365 days a year? Doors without locks cost more because nobody makes them. 16. Why are there braille dots on a drive-through ATM keypad? They don’t let seeing eye dogs go into the bank. 17. Why does a ship carry cargo, and a car carry shipments? Why do cargo pants carry useless shit you never use? 18. Why do doctors call what they do practice? Shouldn’t they be good at it by now? No, they should practice as often as possible to stay good or get better. 19. Why does cleave mean both to adhere and separate? Because cleavers cut, but you’d like to hold onto something with cleavage. 20. If you got in a cab and the driver drove backwards would he end up owing you money? Yes, which would you get from the lawsuit after he crashed you into something. 21. Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight? Marketing! 22. When someone says “You know what they say…” Who are they? The government. Seriously, they are everywhere. 23. What happens if you drive at the speed of light and turn your head lights on? You get the Nobel Peace prize because that’s a pretty big scientific breakthrough. 24. If you throw a cat out your car window does it become kitty litter? Why are you throwing cats out the window you Nazi? 25. Sean Fitzpatrick, but does Patrick fit Sean? Depends upon your stance on gay marriage. 26. streetsign: “To the Braille Institute”. Who’s it for? The person driving the blind person. Or do you think the blind should not be allowed to even sit in a vehicle? 27. If corn oil comes from corn and olive oil comes from olives, where the heck does baby oil come from? Muahahaha!!! E-mail me for information on Censurer Brand Baby Oil. 28. If you spin an oriental man, does he become disoriented? That’s just racist. If you squint do you become oriental? 29. Why do we call it a hamburger when it is made from beef? All cows wish they were pigs. It was their last wish to be called ham. 30. Why do people in Alaska buy white cars? Camouflage. 31. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? I don’t know, do you? 32. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? Blue, but you can’t tell. Then it dies. 33. If you’re in France and you order toast, do you get toast or French toast? You get a cigarrette. 34. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Hawaii has an uneasy truce with the state of Atlantis, the highways go there. 35. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? No! 36. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Because it doesn’t always stay white. 37. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? Pencils do not currently have a ranking system. 38. Is there another word for synonym? Check a thesaurus that would know. 39. If a cow laughs, does milk come out it’s nose? No, but a breastfeeding baby might have milk come out its nose. 40. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? To keep their heads warm. No sense in dying cold. 41. If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make it stick to the pan? Its like scotch tape, one side is sticky. 42. If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless? Neither, dead. 43. Why don’t psychics predict the winning lottery numbers and retire? Because what they do is fake. 44. If you hate all prejudice people, are you a hypoocrite? No, but you’re a hypocrite. 45. Why do they call them apartments, when they’re all together? They are seperated within their togetherness. 46. Who was the idiot that decided to put an “s” in the word lisp? He wasn’t an idiot, he was genious! Now we know who they are. 47. Why is the word for “a fear of long words” so long? (Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia) Pretty much the same as above. 48. Where does your lap go when you stand up? OH JESUS! 49. If instant oatmeal is instant, then why does it take 1 to 2 minutes to cook in the microwave? Nothing is instant and everyone lies. 50. You can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but why can’t you be simply whelmed? Its too painful. 51. Why is it that when the batteries in your remote control wear out you just push the buttons harder? Because you’re a dumbass. 52. Can fat people go skinny dipping? You don’t want to see it, but yes. 53. Why do they use artificial lemon juice in bottled lemon juice and use real lemon juice in dish soap? What? 54. Why don’t they make the entire airplane out of the same material that the indestructible black box is made of? Too heavy. 55. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Soylet Green is people! 56. If a cannibal ate a clown, would it taste funny? I’d have to double check with a humanitarian but yeah I’d say so. 57. If you try to fail, and you fail, have you succeeded or failed? Succeeded, I do it all the time. If you want proof continue reading this. 58. Why are boxing rings square? A ring is harder to make, so its because the makers are lazy. 59. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests? Testical . . . oh you got me to say it. 60. Shouldn’t the opposite of shut up be shut down? Yes. 61. Why do you always find things in the last place you looked? What kind an idiot would keep looking after they found something? 62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Egg. 63. Why is phoenetically not pronounced phoenetically? Because the person who came up with it was a jackass. 64. If I dreamed of being chased by a giant squirrel would that make me a nut? Maybe, ask your shrink. 65. Why do people order a super-sized Big Mac™ meal with a Diet Coke? They think it helps, people are dumb. 66. Why do people have worthless junk in the garage and leave their expensive car in the driveway? Worthless junk smells when it gets wet, your car does not. 67. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Zombies. 68. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink? Because the wool holds in all the water and they just get heavy and droopy. 69. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are you asking the same question in two different ways? 70. Why is abbreviation such a long word? So you can abbr. it. 71. Why do they call it a building? It looks like they are finished Why isn’t it a built? A built isn’t proper English. 72. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? I think that speaks for itself. 73. Did you ever wonder why kamikaze pilots wore helmets? That’s two you’ve asked twice. 74. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? All shifts are the graveyard shift. 75. Can I yell “movie” in a crowded firehouse? Only if its porn. 76. Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Yeah, the closet in this instant is purely figurative. 77. How do a fool and his money get together in the first place? Gambling. 78. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes? Its always time to tune your bagpipes. 79. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down? Heat rises. 80. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax? Not very, they never have very good quality. 81. What was the best thing before sliced bread? Prostitutes. 82. Why do banks charge you a “insufficient funds” fee on money they already know you don’t have? They are soulless evil things. 83. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to? The angry mob. 84. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? You die. 85. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? Only if its their leader otherwise they will have that one killed… assuming they can be revived after drowning. 86. What are Preparation A through Preparation G? Failed ass creams. 87. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? You misunderstand the word free in this context, and I’m not going to sort you out. 88. How come there aren’t B batteries? Because if you asked for “B batteries” they would think you were stuttering. 89. How do “Do not walk on the grass” signs get there? Long robotic arms that never have to touch the grass. 90. Is a metaphor like a simile? No, what you just said was a stupid simile. 91. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Cave walls. 92. How is it possible to have a civil war? Uh, some people in a country fight other people in the country . . . Oh, I see what you’re saying, you’re clever. 93. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? On the stage, security for the world sucks. 94. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? Try it, get back to me if you don’t suffocate. 95. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer? HAHAHA! No! Just some jackasses with boards and ropes. 96. If crime doesn’t pay does that mean that my job is a crime? Just because crime doesn’t pay doesn’t mean that all things that don’t pay are crime, its simple logic. Oh, and find a new job. 97. Did Noah keep his bees in archives? Did Noah have archives? 98. How can there be self-help “groups”? People are dumb. 99. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Deer are oddly attracted to yellow and will always walk directly across from anything yellow to find something else that is yellow. 100. How do you throw away a garbage can? Act like you’re going to empty it into a dumpster and just let go. 101. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold? It doesn’t, it just keeps everything whatever temperature it already is as best as it’s able. 102. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? His truck has a snowplow on it. 103. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? Another dictionary? 104. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up? You can see more things from up high than you can from down low. 105. Why is it that night falls but day breaks? I don’t really know. 106. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day? You don’t have to but you’re more correct if you do, because then the day is all gone. 107. How do you remove a club soda stain? Club soda doesn’t stain so it doesn’t matter. 108. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about? Nothing changes. 109. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting? Nope just waiting for his chance to shit all over it. 110. What happened to the first 6 “ups”? They caused cancer. 111. How do blind people know when they are done wiping their behinds? Just keep going until they think they’re done, more is better. 112. If practice makes perfect, and no one is perfect, why bother practice? So you don’t completely suck, you won’t be perfect but you’ll be better. 113. If hunting season means you can kill animals, and fishing season means you can catch fish, what is the tourist season? You can trick people into giving you money for stuff you don’t appreciate seeing anymore. 114. Why do people sing “Take me out to the ball game” when they are already 115. there? Two questions for that? They are just remember all those times they weren’t at the game. 116. How do hearing aid companies expect potential customers to hear their commercials? Closed captioning. 117. When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop? Depends on the fly. 118. Why is there neither pine nor apple in pineapple? Because it is named by how it looks like both an apple and a pine cone, not by its ingredients. 119. Why does the arcade game “Donkey Kong” have a monkey? Why isn’t it called Monkey Kong? It actually was but the Japanese translator messed up and by the time anyone noticed it already went out as Donkey Kong. 120. Why do lumberjacks cut trees down and then chop them up? Its their job. 121. What’s the deal with Grapenuts? They’re neither grape nor nuts. I don’t know, its just a name. 122. How do people get discombobulated? Have you ever seen someone who was combobulated? Yes, once, it was wonderful. 123. If we call people from Poland poles why don’t we call people from Holand holes? Its just not nice. 124. If a rabbit’s foot was actually lucky, wouldn’t it still be attached to the rabbit’s leg? Yes, I guess luck doesn’t really exist. 125. Why does Goofy talk and wear clothes while Pluto barks naked? Two different types of dogs.Once is a cross between a little dog with a sweater on and a parrot. The other is a cross between . . . a dog. 126. If you wanted to mummify a fly, would you use dental floss? Sure, knock yourself out. 127. If the husband dies, the wife is called a widow, if a child’s parents die, it is called an orphan. Why isn’t there a word for a parent that loses a child? Why would you bring that up? Its too painful to think about. 128. Why do they call it baby-sitting when all you do is run after them? You’re not doing it right, use ropes. 129. Why is it called American football when they rarely use their feet to play? They use their feet. . . to run. 130. Why do you put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? Don’t care. 131. What if there were no hypothetical situations? Hypothetically speaking you’re an idiot. If there were no hypothetical situations that would never have happened. 132. Why does an alarm clock said to go “off” when it actually turns on? Just a turn of phrase. 133. Why are they stairs inside but steps outside? Stairs sound nicer and more indoorsy. 134. Why does pizza come in a square box? Why not? Would it be a box if it were round? 135. How does a fish sleep? On the move. 136. Why are feet smelly and noses runny? You don’t clean properly. 137. Why does Mickey Mouse wear pants and no shirt while Donald Duck wears a shirt and no pants? There was only so much wardrobe to go around someone had to make a sacrifice. These all come from an Armenian Teen site, which I swear is not porn. http://www.armenianteens.com/lifes_questions.php

From Russia, With Love

Like something out of a James Bond movie a Russian spy was recently poisoned with radiation. He succumbed to the radiation poisoning shortly after uttering “The bastards got me, they won’t get everybody.” The former spy had been bad mouthing the Kremlin before his bizarre death. He suspected that he was killed just for that reason, luckily the poison gave him plenty of time to ponder that before it claimed him. Putin’s aide stated how sad the whole ordeal was but not without mentioning (and I’m paraphrasing here) that this former spy was full shit.

I’m Burning for You

Israel is now apologizing for using White Phosphorus (from here on out “WP” because it makes me sound technical) during its little spat with Lebanon over the summer. WP, much like gonorrhea, creates a horrible burning sensation, except instead of occurring in the bathroom, it happens when the stuff touches you. The weapons are not banned by international law but many people assume they should be. The shocking thing about this is that Israel came right out and admitted it, unlike certain other governments, who lie even when they don’t need to. A reported asked if Israel was using dense inert metal explosives, and the spokesman for the government broke under the pressure. He said that no they hadn’t used those at all, they did however attempt to burn the living shit out of the Lebanese with WP weapons. While they are sorry for that they will continue to violate Lebanon’s airspace, pretty much for the hell of it. He then went home and told his wife he thought the reporter was cute. In related news he was fired from his position and is now sleeping on his couch.

Bush and The Last Crusade

Its 2001, senior Bush officials sit across the table from a group of oil executives. On the table is a map, a map with no names. Like Indiana Jones’ map depicting the resting spot of the Holy Grail in the Canyon of the Crescent Moon, this map shows the Holy Grail (if Jesus bled oil) in a somewhat more fertile crescent. The map is chopped up into grids showing where highest reserve of oil can be found. They decide on one spot, one spot with a large amount of oil that has barely been touched. There’s just one problem, there are people living on that spot on the grid.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. Years ago Russia was found to be rich in oil and Americans longed to take it. The trouble is Russia has nukes, and nukes scare Americans (unless we’re using them, then they scare the Japanese, and probably the French).

Recently that map has been released to the public due to a court order, along with a list of 63 oil companies and their current progress negotiating with Saddam’s regime for a little slice of that map (which in case you didn’t guess is a map of the Middle East with Iraq being the prime oil location). Unfortunately, Saddam promised that land to some French company. What to do now?

Now you need to remove the current regime (check!). Then you need to install in a puppet government (double check!). And then you need to discredit that governments ability to survive on its own giving you a reason to keep a very strong military presence in the area (check! And it helps to define a set of bullshit objectives that don’t matter to convince your country you’re doing something really important). If you don’t have a strong military presence you would lose your oil in a matter of days. Think of all the surrounding countries like school yard bullies and Iraq used to be one of them but you beat it over the head with a rock. Now Iraq is just some partially retarded kid wandering around the playground in the middle of a group of bullies. You have to stick around and protect Iraq’s lunch money . . . or oil, I don’t know which.

And there you have it, a Christian country crusading back to the Middle East in search of a Holy Grail. Fortunately, Bush doesn’t have to fight any Nazi’s like Indy did.

Lil’ Kim

After the spectacularly small explosion that confused experts the world over Kim Jong Il has decided not to test another nuclear weapon. Kim also apologized for that first bomb (and not just because it insignificantly tiny) but because he has realized the error of his ways. The Chinese threatened him with a little bit of war and Kim decided its better not to piss off the large red sleeping giant below him. Kim had to return to the Lollipop Guild with his tail between his legs. Apologizing for your nuclear test has got to be a tough one to explain to the 100,000 people who celebrated in the square you named after yourself to “hail the success of the historic nuclear test.” He did however, add at the end of his apology that no matter what America did “victory will be on the side of justice.” And in bizarro world justice is on the side of the tiny man with the tiny bombs in his tiny country.

“Strategery”

President Bush recently met with his war commands and security advisers to discuss his “strategy” (and I use the term loosely) in Iraq. He also finally explained what our goal is in Iraq, now I can have a reason to get behind this. Is it catching Osama Bin Laden? No, he’s probably dead and if not doesn’t like to travel to Iraq this time of the century. Removing Saddam? Nope, did that one already. Installing a new and improved democratic government? Did that one too, kinda. Oh, oh! I know! Stop terror, that one always works. Although since we’ve been in Iraq the number of terrorist organizations have actually increased . . . and not just a little bit, that one kind of backfired.

Bush stated at this meeting that “Our goal in Iraq is clear and unchanging.” I’m so excited, I can hardly wait, what is it?! “Our goal is victory.” Victory? Victory over what? What do you mean? Victory in general? Well, it doesn’t matter because that’s all we’re going to get. And despite the fact that approval ratings are down, success in Iraq minimal, if not completely counter productive, he has decided to make no changes to the current “plan.” Yet another wonderful decision that I don’t understand.

Performance Anxiety

There goes the planet, North Korea did in fact set of a nuclear explosion recently. Though it was so small that everyone had a good laugh and assumed it was just a big normal bomb it has been confirmed by spies that it was a real nuclear weapon. It certainly fell very short of being termed a “Massive Explosion” and is somewhere in the range of “Kim Jong Il sized Explosion,” or turquoise on the National Threat Level. So, now they want to give it another go, promising this time it won’t be quite so flaccid.

Mutual Exacerbation

Turns out that along with the numerous American generals speaking out against the way Iraq has been handled there are also several Brits jumping on the bandwagon. By several I mean at least one, a General Sir Richard Dannatt. He believes that our plan for Iraq was naive at best and hoping to turn them into a liberal democracy was foolish. He feels that continued military presence by Britain and American will only exacerbate problems world wide and weaken support for an already misunderstood cause. Of course, it is easy to misunderstand a cause of there is no clear statement of the cause. However, General Sir Richard Dannatt also feels that we should not leave Iraq. Confused? Well British soldiers never surrender, they will stay until the job is done. Since no one really knows what job needs to be done for the job to be done they’ll be there for a while. If only they were French, they could have been out of there years ago.

The Story So Far . . .

It has become apparent to some of my readers that I no longer add anything to this blog. It has become apparent to me that this is apparent to them because apparently they have stopped coming in much the same way I had previously stopped writing. Got it? Good. My “readers” are now made up of people who accidentally stumble across the blog looking for one of two things. The first thing: I have no idea, but not this. The second thing: Granny porn. That’s right, it seems my editorial on the Raging Grannies is attracting some . . . undesirables. If you are in fact here for granny porn you are a sick individual and you need to stop.

Anyway, what’s been happening in the world while I was getting a life? Nothing new, same shit, different day. Let’s see I was complaining about the war in Iraq and its mismanagement, people still do that. And I talked about other things as well, I’m sure, that have not changed. What brought my attention back to my blog was the title of a story on the Daily Show. Since they already had “Mess’o'potamia” I was forced to come up with some original. So I used “The Futile Crescent” instead and out of the blue the Daily Show switched! They stole my headline! Of course this is assuming they saw it, and didn’t just think of it off the top of their heads. So . . . the point of all this, nothing, I needed to kill 15 minutes, maybe I’ll start adding a comment here or there to give the perverts something to read while their granny porn loads.

Censurer Exposé: Raging Grannies

In my initial research of the terrorist organization Al- Raging Grannies I was shocked by a great many things. The first of which: they have a website. I knew going into this that most Grannies have an almost Luddite like hatred of technology, but they are apparently putting aside this issue in order to reach out to impressionable elderly women all over the world. We all know they're out there "surfing the web" downloading massive amounts of porn and cookie recipes. The website is adorned with some kind of foreign language known only to the Grannies, and perhaps the illegal immigrant house keepers and gardners they employ. In fact I was shocked to see that these terrorists were involved in the potentially deadly parades for these illegal immigrants. They were touting the fact that the government had been unable to locate Osama Bin Laden but were able to spy on your grandmother. And they should! If your grandmother were being lead by a deadly terrorist leader like this woman:

This is the enigmatic leader of the Grannies. Known only as "Granny Queen Ann" is currently being sought after by our government for the holocaustic baking of over seven thousand ginger bread men. Be a patriot and report any sighting of this heavily armed and dangerous terrorist leader or her highly trained assassins the "Court of Raging Granny Princesses" to the local authorities. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MAKE CONTACT. You may be lured into her evil clutches with promises of cookies and a tall glass of milk but once there you will be cheek-pinched to death. Many FBI agents died to bring us this information. Do not mistake this woman for a grandmother like your own she is a ruthless killing machine!

That National Guard has set up a spy network to deal with this threat but have catching flak from the liberal left. It seems they feel it is unnecessary to spy on terrorist organizations. Fortunately some people still stick to their guns:

"Who knows who could infiltrate that type of group and try to stir something up?" Lt. Col. Stan Zezotarski told reporters. "After all, we live in an age of terrorism, so who knows?"
Thank you! Lt. Col. Zezotarski you are continuing to protect us from this very real threat! When I thought we could no longer trust our government you have stepped in and placed our resources where they really need to be! Not in Iraq where we have been the catalyst for the creation of many new tiny terrorist cells, but here! Defending America from the real threat the huge and organized terrorist organization of the Raging Grannies! On April 17th the Grannies tried to stop people from paying taxes, as they did not wish to pay for our war in Iraq, this kind of thing is a terrorist action! (They were aware that by April 17th most people had paid for taxes but Mildred — aka. Mohammed Ahmed Jihadi Derka Allah-Mohammed — was supposed to deliver the message and she picked the wrong time to go on a 3 day scotch binge, where she hit up 14 games of bridge and 3 crazy nights of bingo tournaments).

This preliminary report will be followed by a further examination into the smaller cell of the Grannies group the H.A.G.S., thought by many to be the main taskforce of Queen Ann in nursing homes all across the nation. I am issuing a call to action right now to all of my readers: we must stop this terrorist threat! I will not rest until they rest in peace.